Thorazine for Dinner
by Valori Kei
Summary: Alfred is a little different, and Alfred has a special friend. His friend is really really tall, and wears a pretty scarf. The only thing is, no one else can see Alfred's friend. / Exploratory piece discussing Childhood Onset Schizophrenia (COS). Warning: Contains major character death. No featured pairing in the traditional sense. Cover art by @Shounenhorror on tumblr!


My child psychopathology course had a jeopardy review for our first midterm, and one of the group's names was "Thorazine for Dinner", based on a video we had watched of childhood onset schizophrenia and idk it's been in my head ever since and I wanted to write something about it

Also since this is _fiction,_ this is a romanticized and sensationalized take on a serious and highly stigmatized mental condition. Please be aware of this while reading, and take a moment to educate yourself on the lives of children who suffer from COS. Thanks!

Please also note that schizophrenic symptoms are unique to each individual, and that every person's experience with schizophrenia is different!

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 **WARNING:** This fic contains major character death (murder, suicide). Please be advised before reading and proceed at your own discretion.

This is a sensationalized depiction of a real life condition that affects real people and their families and should be treated as such.

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Ever since he was little, Alfred had been just a little bit different.

You see, Alfred had a special friend who would always come to visit him, and would even follow him around everywhere he went. Alfred really liked his special friend, because his friend would bring him secret things to hide under his pillows at night, or even presents that he'd find in his closet and in the kitchen drawers. His special friend really liked playing games with him too, like hide and seek and treasure hunting.

It wasn't until Alfred was about five years old that he realized he had a special friend. He always felt like something was watching him and waiting for him around every corner, which had led to him constantly clinging to his twin brother Matthew and crying to his ever doting father. It used to be that he heard noises coming from his closet, like bugs scratching and chewing on the wood, until soon he could make out what the creepy crawlies were saying (they had eventually migrated from the closet to under his mattress, you see. They especially liked to hide at the foot of his bed, waiting for Alfred every night so that they could bite his toes. The only thing they didn't like to bite were Alfred's favorite superhero socks- so he started wearing those to bed every night).

What was this about again? Right, the nice people who liked to talk to Alfred.

He knew a whole bunch of people, because they liked to call him from their space station in the future. They didn't tell him about that bit until he was a little older, because apparently it was a big secret. The reason they were secrets never made sense to Alfred though, because whenever he told his daddy about the station, he always just told Alfred to stop playing his silly games. Not even Matthew believed him, and always told Alfred that he shouldn't be playing kids pranks like that anymore, since they were 10 now. The nice space people were sympathetic to Alfred, and promised him that they were real. In fact, they were even going to send someone from their time to come and hang out with Alfred!

And that's how Ivan finally showed up.

[-]

It was a bit startling the first time Alfred really saw him. He was very tall after all, wearing all black with a strange looking square hat. Alfred was biking home from school ahead of Matthew, since his brother was now in the chess club. He saw Ivan standing outside the school gate, and then again on the corner, and again just outside his house. Alfred put his bike away in the shed, and then noticed the man crouching in their bushes. He had been extremely upset about being followed home, and had started screaming when the man suddenly leapt out at him, grabbing him by the shoulders and giving him a shake.

"It's nice to meet you!" the man exclaimed, and it only took a few minutes for him to catch Alfred up to speed. Apparently the future had sent Ivan to him, because bad things were going to start happening if Ivan wasn't there. Alfred wasn't sure if the man could be trusted, but if the future had sent him then it must be very important. He let Ivan into his house, making a spot in his closet for the tall man to sleep.

"I can't be in the closet," Ivan explained to him, earning a slew of questions from Alfred. Ivan had a weird laugh that sounded like bugs chewing on wood. "I can't protect you if you keep me locked up. I have to follow you and make sure you're okay."

Alfred decided he'd be alright with that, and offered to get Ivan some cookies and milk so he could start his homework. Except, Ivan didn't like cookies or milk, and only wanted to eat colored pencils. He especially liked the purple pencils, and insisted that Alfred should eat the red and the blue pencils, so that Alfred would have purple pencils inside his tummy just like Ivan.

Alfred's dad wasn't very happy about that when he came home and found all of Alfred's colored pencils broken and in pieces on the carpet.

[-]

Alfred tried to tell his family about Ivan, even pointing to him standing in the corner during dinner.

"Alfred, don't try to play games," Arthur scolded him, turning the page of his newspaper while Matthew gladly scarfed down his dinner. Alfred insisted on his friend's existence, begging his father to believe him. "Really, aren't you getting a bit too old for imaginary friends? You should know better by now."

Alfred slowly lowered his gaze, staring at the mushy glop on his plate, and then looked up at Ivan for assistance. His friend just smiled, because that was a lot of what Ivan just did. Alfred tried to tell his father again about the future, and that bad things were going to start happening if they didn't listen to Ivan.

"Alfred, I've had enough of this. Do you want to be grounded again?"

No, Alfred didn't want to be grounded.

"Good. Now, finish your dinner, and then I'll take a look at your homework. You need to work harder at school, or they're going to have to hold you back."

Alfred didn't have the heart to tell his dad about why he didn't like school, since Ivan was the one that told him not to go to class. And, even when Alfred _did_ go to class, Ivan also talked and talked to him all the time, which made listening to the teacher very hard to do. And so, Alfred went quiet.

[-]

"You know dad doesn't like it when you talk all crazy about stuff," Matthew told Alfred on their way to school one day, startling Alfred quite a bit. Alfred asked Matthew what he meant, and Matthew shrugged at him, bumping Ivan in the shoulder when he passed. "You know! Like, when you talk about that whatever guy. You're a really bad liar, Alfred."

Alfred didn't know what Matthew was talking about.

"Ugh! You always get like this! You don't honestly believe that some guy from the future follows you around and stuff, do you? Seriously, you always trying to prank us gets really annoying."

Hearing Matthew talk like that really hurt Alfred, but he didn't know what to say to convince his brother. Couldn't Matthew see Ivan? Or at least hear him?

"No, Alfred, and you know that already. Seriously, I'm getting really fed up with you always thinking you can get me to turn around by insisting that there's someone behind me. Well, I've checked! And there isn't! So just- just shut up about it already! Nobody believes you, and you're really obnoxious!" Matthew spat, glaring at Alfred as he started to turn a really angry shade of red. Alfred pointed that out to Matthew because it was pretty scary seeing someone's entire skin change colors like that, but Matthew wasn't having it.

"Just shut up! You're not funny! Nobody likes it when you do that! God, you make my life at school miserable, you know that?! You saying all this crazy shit looks really bad on me, too, okay?! I hear people talking about me behind my back in the hall all the time, and it pisses me off! So just- just stop it!"

Matthew ran on ahead after that, leaving Alfred to cry alone with Ivan.

[-]

"Matthew just doesn't understand," Ivan consoled Alfred later that night, gently patting Alfred on the head while he curled up tightly under his covers, his socks worn through too much to protect him from the biting. He had been receiving more and more calls from the future too, each one getting more and more painful to listen to now that he could see all the warning signs around him. Ivan chuckled softly at him, continuing to soothe him. "We chose you for a reason, Alfred. We knew you would listen to us."

That was true, Alfred had to agree. He liked his friends, even though some of the things they told him frightened him a little bit. Ivan was nice, after all. He told Alfred which foods were safe to eat and which had been poisoned by the Bad. Alfred could put up with Arthur getting mad at him for not eating the bad food, because Alfred could at least throw it away before it poisoned his family.

"I know it's hard trying to protect people who don't listen to you," Ivan encouraged him, Alfred sitting up a little bit. "But all you've ever wanted to do is protect them, right? You want to be the hero they need?"

Yes, yes of course… Alfred wanted nothing more than that. He'd do whatever it took to save his family. Even if it meant getting in trouble, or staying quiet when they walked into Ivan or stepped on his friend's toes. He would protect them, and he would keep his mouth shut so that he could….

If only protecting them was possible.

[-]

Everyday, the Bad seemed to grow stronger. Arthur stopped making food at home, ordering take out from whatever cheap place delivered, which was fine at first until Alfred realized that the Bad was in this food now, too. Alfred brought this issue up with his father at the very first moment he could, but Arthur turned his nose up at Alfred with a frown.

"Well, you insisted my cooking was rubbish, so don't complain to me. Make your own food."

What? Impossible. There must be something else to eat, right? It couldn't be that the Bad had contaminated everything! Arthur sighed heavily, shaking out a pill from his bottle before popping the headache medicine into his mouth, swishing it down with a mouthful of gin. "Look. I have a big report due in the morning, and I can't deal with you right now. Run along now, lad."

Alfred's lips trembled as he nodded and shut the door, the Bad seeping out under the door and into the floorboards, that blackish red fog staining everything in its awful color. Ivan put a hand on Alfred's shoulder, leaning down and smiling gently at Alfred. Alfred looked up at him with big blue eyes, eventually letting Ivan walk him away down the hall towards Matthew's room. They could hear some scuffling and some frantic mumbling from inside, but Ivan told Alfred to ignore it. Alfred didn't really want to ignore it, especially since Matthew had been looking more and more red with each passing day, like a big target sign was being painted on his face, but he knew better than to go against Ivan.

"Something big is coming," Ivan spoke, startling Alfred as he pulled on his socks, the holes so big that all of his toes and his ankle hung out of them. When Alfred asked Ivan to say that again, Ivan just smiled and sat on Alfred's bed, taking up so much space that Alfred had to sleep on the floor that night, those creepy crawlies skittering and chittering up and down his body, inside and out as Alfred fitfully did his best to sleep.

[-]

The Future stopped calling him, after that.

Alfred didn't know what had happened. Did he do something wrong? But he had followed all of Ivan's steps perfectly! He only crossed the street after three walking people appeared first, and he taped up all the cracks in the sidewalk under the bush, he even put the Bad things in the washer and filled it with so much soap that it overflowed…

His clothes itched him to wear now, and he constantly twitched and needed to smack the bugs burrowed into his skin. It had been so much easier when they were under the rug… no, wait, they were in the drawers first, and then his pillows-

No, no, that wasn't right.

Left?

Alfred perked and changed his course, Ivan already waiting at the corner on the sidewalk. Ivan smiled at him, trying to be reassuring even though his funny square hat sat so far down his face that it covered his eyes, giving him a scary look. "Alfred, are you out of your head? You need to focus."

Focus, focus, yes… Yes, this was the important part, to make sure he won over the Bad. He had to find the snake, just as Ivan had told him. There was a snake somewhere in his house, and that was what had attracted the Bad in the first place. A snake, a snake. A snake. A left snake. Right, a snake left- snake, right in the snake, to the left and then snake and right left and-

"Alfred? What the fuck are you doing?" Matthew snapped at him, a baseball bat clutched tightly in his hands as he stared down from the porch. Alfred perked, seeing Ivan glare at him before he looked over at Matthew. There was a snake over here! Duh! Was Matthew deaf? Matthew glared, lowering his bat. "Well, keep it down. I thought you were someone else."

Matthew went back into the house then, still holding his bat in his hands. Alfred slowly stood up from between the garden bushes, holding the limp snake in his hands. Ah, no. This was a hose. But where had the snake gone-?

"It is here," Ivan spoke again, Alfred's hands gripping the hose tightly as he listened to everything Ivan had to tell him, about why the Future had stopped calling, why the Bad was everywhere…

[-]

Alfred sat quietly across the table from Matthew, watching him intently as his brother ate, stuffing as much pizza as he could fit into his mouth. Matthew pointedly ignored him, scribbling down some notes on his homework, making a clear effort not to look up at his silent brother. Eventually he gave in. "What?" Matthew scowled, putting his food down and then wiping his hand clean on the napkin, Alfred just blinking slowly.

There was something behind him.

"What?" Matthew asked as he whipped his head around, straining and craning a little bit to make sure he looked specifically at every part of the room behind him. His pencil smacked down flat against his textbook, Matthew snapping back to Alfred. "Ugh! God, _damnit_ , Alfred! How many times have I told you to stop doing that?! There's nothing there! There's _nothing_ there!"

Alfred shivered, clenching his hands into tight fists before slipping away from the table, Matthew's eyes big and red and black and senseless, his words echoing in the kitchen. "There's nothing there! There's nothing there! There's nothing there!"

"You know what to do," Ivan murmured, holding the door open for him as Alfred brushed past. Ivan was right. Ivan was always, always right. He smacked and swatted all the bugs out from under his bed, gritting his teeth as cockroaches and beetles crawled all over his hands, gripping the long coil when he finally found it. He sat up on his knees, Matthew's broken record voice thumping up the stairs, swallowing everything in its overwhelming blackness. The hose quivered in his hands as Alfred quickly ran back towards his door, waiting, waiting-

"-nothing's ther-!" Matthew's voice constricted into a squeezed gasp, his big eyes even bigger as Alfred trembled and waited, watching in horror as the Bad was expelled from his brother's mouth. Matthew jerked and twisted, flailing as the Bad controlled him like the puppet he had become, Alfred being the only person ever able to see the strings attached to him. He whispered quiet apologies to Matthew, praying that somewhere beyond all the Badness, there was still just a little bit of Matthew somewhere left inside to hear how sorry he was for not saving him sooner.

After all, there was no Matthew in the Future.

The hose's tight coil loosened as Matthew slowly slumped onto his knees, Alfred breathlessly watching the Bad retreat into his limp body like an infinite sponge. Water plipped down onto Matthew's cheeks as Alfred gently took him into his arms, pulling him into his room.

"There, see?" Ivan smiled, very pleased as he continuously praised Alfred's good work, helping fit Matthew into Alfred's closet. "I told you I could not be in there. But now, that means there is plenty of space for Matthew! Just leave him there, his body will retrieve all of the Bad, and now you can rest. You have done a great service for the Future."

Alfred smiled.

[-]

When will they leave? This wasn't how it was supposed to go…

Alfred wrapped himself up in his blanket, the threads all that remained of his socks as he holed himself up, Arthur speaking frantically in the hall about how Matthew had just disappeared one night, the sirens flashing silently in the front yard as Big Bads pounded up and down the stairs and flooded through the whole house. He looked up at the closet, up at where Matthew watched him back, a tight hose secured around his neck and his eyes full of Bad rage.

"They won't leave. They know you are here now," Ivan spoke softly to Alfred, looking disappointed in him. Alfred asked Ivan what he did wrong, why things still ended so badly even when he listened and did his best. Ivan just watched him, sighing as he gently unwound the scarf around his neck. He laid it out on the bed for Alfred, standing up a moment later. "There is not much time. The path to the Future will be closing soon, Alfred."

Alfred didn't need Ivan to explain that that meant they would never see each other again. Ivan smiled at Alfred, glad to hear that Alfred didn't want him to leave. "I know. This world is too far gone. Those out there? They will find you, soon. They will find you, and they will take you, and you will never be able to see the Future you have worked so hard to protect."

That's right, he wasn't here for his family. He was here for the Future! Water leaked from somewhere onto Alfred's face, wetting his cheeks and dribbling down to his chin. Ivan looked at him with sympathy, motioning to the scarf again. "Do not worry. I will leave you my key. Take it whenever you are ready to join me in the future… I will await our next meeting."

Alfred looked at the scarf in his hands, the knitting needles still stuck in one end and his father's yarn ball trailing on the ground. Ivan's scarf… it was so soft, such a good feeling… He curled up in a tighter ball as he looked out from the blankets, his empty room quiet and peaceful, dimly lit aside from the rotating blue and red shining in through the window. His closet was shut tightly, a foul smell starting to stink from it. Alfred dabbed at his tears gently, the passing wave of clarity receding just as quickly as it had come.

Alfred looked towards where Matthew was, his tears renewed as the shock of what happened overtook him.

His brother hadn't cleaned out the Bad, he had just attracted more to his body. That's why all of those others had come storming in. He had to go!

He had to escape!

Ivan's scarf was soft and comforting in his hands as he wound and wound and wound it up in coils around his neck, wrapping it around his hands to make sure it was extra secure, the needles clacking just a little bit. He lay back in his bed, the insects having already eaten him from the inside out. At least there would be nothing left for the Bads to find…

Gripping the ends, Alfred tugged on them hard enough to force out his own Badness, the world starting to spin even as he lay still, everything fading and brightening all at once, silent words spilling from his lips as the Future came to him, collecting him in worried arms that smelled like tea and gin and newspaper, shadow figures standing in the background as he just barely got away in time, his final breath slipping away with a happy smile that surely must have looked just like Ivan's…

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thank you for reading! I would appreciate any comments if you have any. Given the ambiguous nature of this piece, also feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.


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